The FEAR

The FEAR..
Hello… This is only my 3rd blog but I really felt compelled to put this one out there. If you follow my account you will know I am a full of fun kinda girl who loves a good laugh but I have a deep core and inside.
People know I came from a very dark world of self doubt but I’ve never really spoke about why.
Today I’m not going to either but I will give you a little bit more of an insight of where I come from and why I fight so much for confidence in myself and giving it to others.
I was only 5 when my daddy was tragically killed at work, my mum was left with 3 off us under 5. Mum married again very quickly and we all moved on, moved on but noone was really who they where beforehand. Long story short I grew up feeling like I didn’t fit in… I was unworthy… I was unneeded… I wasn’t like everyone else who was I like? I had no identity. Self confidence was non existent. I didn’t even know what I liked, I would have just tried to feed of everyone else and what they liked. I remember being so complexed one day when I was only 12 or so someone asked me what my favourite colour was and I didn’t know. I went home thinking and thinking and I just didn’t know, I knew nothing about myself. I had never lived really I just survived, I felt like I was genuinely just floating in my body and learned social skills as I went. I learned how to be liked, how to fit in, and I would have did anything to be wanted or needed. So as you can tell I was lost… Those years carried on I missed out on so much because of the FEAR… The fear of what others thought of me, of others not wanting or liking me. { one of my big ones was, I loved music I know every riff in most songs and I feel them in my heart, I can sing..i always could but the fear wouldn’t let me. My dream was to be in a play at school and have a main part but I couldn’t do the audition, I was always an extra. Ps. Being a nun in the sound of music does nothing for you when you are 15 😂😳One day for GCSE music I preformed the song I had written for my father and my teacher said to me “Gosh Sarah, if I had of knew that you could sing like that I’d have had you in all the shows!” I was elated but completely gutted because I had missed my chance I was about to leave school and because of the FEAR I missed out on my dream}
Anyways…. Fast forward, I left technical collage fully educated for beauty therapy and I worked in it for a while, I loved it but the FEAR got me, your not pretty enough, your not one of them, noone will come to you because noone would want to look like you. I began to hate it. I formed lots of friendships easily but moved on easily too… I was tied to nothing as I said I was still floating, desperately looking for an anchor.
I left beauty behind and went to study health and social care and was awarded my deoloma at graduation! I was also diagnosed that year with dyslexia, and I had an alien feeling for a little minute that I was a tiny bit happy for myself. That soon left right enough.
However now I found my anchor… I had got saved about a year prior and gosh, didn’t things start to change. The lord reached into me in my deepest darkest moments. I mean I had no reason to want to live, I just was numb, the Lord breathed life into me. A reason a purpose and unconditional love. I remember smiling the biggest smile that night in my bed, awww Lord its just you and me now and I went to sleep knowing the Lord has me, I was now one of his I was his child.
My husband came along and he was a little lost himself and after long chats and long nights he came back to the lord and we never looked back. Jonathan became my home for the first time in my life I was experiencing gravity.
Gravity felt good… I went from zero to having God and a husband, now all that story is for another day, its a big one believe me.
Fast forward to 5 year’s later when someone once again asked me what is my favourite colour? I burst into tears… I walked away with my little bundle of everything Jonah now, and I looked into his little face and cried real sore tears that ran down his cheeks. How can I raise this wee bundle of perfection and guide him through life when I have no idea who I am? I had never dealt with that situation, I had healed and found gravity but there was still part of me floating. I had put all my identity into being a mum, wife, being good at my job, my faith but I never had acknowledged I still hadn’t found me. So I set on a journey to discover myself, after leaving my job to stay at home with our now 2 little bundles and pregnant with our 3 wee boy, I started to investigate my mind. I realised I was just a broken mess that I brushed up and pushed into a cupboard and noone would dare open those door’s. There was so much FEAR anger and hurt in there. However to find me I would have to go there… I went to counselling and wadded through waist deep, I uncovered so much I found out why I did certain things but it all came from the FEAR I was petrified constantly of not being loved.
At the same time I found art. Someone gave me a wee water colour set as they where throwing it out, I lifted that paint brush and something clicked. It was like God said there you go, let’s see what you can do. 3-4 years on i am here, with a little business and I’ve learned to finally accept I am an ARTIST (I wouldn’t call myself that or accept it for a long time)
I have to admit I could be doing alot more than I am.. I have had alot of offers of amazing things but because of the FEAR, I turned them down. I became tired being a warrior and I was letting FEAR take over again. Today was meant to be my first EXHIBITION but I had to pass it up because of the FEAR self doubt, I want to share this because people constantly say to me that I look so confident and happy. I am happy yes but confidence is easy to paint on, I am amazing at it. Just a wee pointer to those who look at a photo and think gosh she loves herself or she’s so confident remember you have no clue what is going on behind that girls smile no clue. I like to be honest because I know in a way that can help someone else feel more normal. However the FEAR is getting less and I am freer than I’ve ever been and have decided to actually place my work in a gallery or two. Then we will work up to the exhibition, I am doing this on nothing but pure faith in the Lord and his timing, I myself am not strong enough. Art was set into my hand and it has saved me, it lead me to friends to a place I feel familiar with and FEAR doesn’t really have a place. I feel free to run and guess what… I still don’t have a favourite colour and I am OK with that because I realised my favourite colour all along was all of them. I just didn’t know myself enough to know it. You don’t need to tick a box to fit in… Jigsaw pieces are all different shapes and rough around the edges, just find your jigsaw board that fits. I am fed up with trying to fit in and trying to be accepted. I have decided I am enough, I am blessed shocking amounts with my little bubble and I won’t let FEAR take anymore from me. I am battling till the end. When God stands before us who can stand against us? I love my life… And there will be much more of me in the art world this year if I can help it. FEAR has been greedy long enough. Time to embrace gravity and walk forward. If you feel the same I encourage you to reach out, look around and find something or someone that centre’s you.
Thankyou to anyone who supported me so far, you bought or liked a little bit of life back into me (the me that was trapped inside)
Thankyou

Sarah xx

#mumfashionmonday


Hello you!

Now don’t get excited I am not turning into a fashion blogger but when I was asked to take part in this week of mum fashion I agreed because I loved what it stood for. Mum fashion is a very different area of fashion that people don’t realize how difficult it is to master until they are in it….knee deep in it….knee deep in many a thing let’s be honest. I was shocked to be asked because I don’t really class myself as a fashionable person but I do have my own wee style.

I LOVE charity shops, my friends wardrobe clear outs, the sale item noone else looked at. Maternity pay learned me a whole new way to dress/shop and I became more thankful for items I do have. I love that I am not restricted by names, value or anything other than me liking what I am wearing these days. I hope you enjoyed my week of outfits and maybe inspire you to think outside the box for your next outfit.

MY STYLE

Describe your style.

Well I will let you be the judge of that, but I think it’s just me. Depending on my mood or the day I dress to suit how I feel..so one day glam the next my pjs.

What are your most common go to items in your wardrobe?

My silver shoes! (Given to me by a friend who thought they weren’t her) she got them from TK max. My long green coat from Top shop.. (charity buy). Skinny jeans and a t-shirt or the blessing that is a baggy/wooly jumper!

What are a your favourite clothing shops?

Charity shop’s ofcourse! I mean please try one. They really helped me when at times I couldn’t have got the coat or the shoes if I had to pay the full retail price and I was able to keep my wee bank balance healthy. My favourite go to stores tho are H&M, TKMAX, PRIMARK, NEWLOOK AND SMALL BOUTIQUES.

Where do you find your style inspiration?

I genuinely have no idea…I think I might see someone or something and say oh that’s nice but really I just go with my own body, how I feel and what suits me rather than following any trend.

Have you any fashion tips you could share?

Yes! Mum’s listen up.

BABY POWDER IN THE ROOTS OF YOUR HAIR IS A MIRACLE WORKER!

Denim and white always looks good when all else fails.

Stick on tan if you feel urgh and you know what just look at you and if you think it’s good on you and it works you just go with it. People who don’t follow fashion are the ones people look to follow isn’t it?

Wear that baby vomit/ bleach stained jumper with pride…throw a leather jacket over the top and you will be perfect.

Love Sarah.

My week of outfits.


Monday

Jeans NEWLOOK 3 years old..£20.00
Jumper Primark £10.00
Shoes from TKMAX given to me from a friend.

Tuesday



Wednesday

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Coat Top Shop charity find £3.00 Jumper NEW LOOK handmedown Jeans NEW LOOK £15.00 Silver Shoes TKMAX given to me from a friend.

Thursday

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This little jump suit I bought over 4 years ago from NEW LOOK. The jumper was primark £2.50 Shoes are Converse stolen from my little sister in law.

Friday

Coat Marks and Spencer’s new from charity shop £3.00

Boots Clarks but again new from charity shop £3.00

Jumper Primark £10.00

Jeans Tommy Hilfiger charity shop £3.00

Saturday 

This jacket is from NEW LOOK yet I got it on ebay years ago for £3.00! My jeans were also NEW LOOK. Bag Clarks charity shop buy £3.00

Jumper Birch and Bobbin a local small business
Shoes are from River Island gave to me from a friend.

Sunday

Sunday my baby was sick….I generally get dressed up on a Sunday. Today my baby needed me and I was there for him. Today he was my outfit of the day and you know what its my favourite outfit!
This jumper is my husbands when I feel like I need a hug or comfort I go straight for it. Guess what….its 20 years old! My jeans are my oldest softest jeans and my hair was unbrushed…my face untouched but yet my role never changed. We are amazing do you know that?, no matter what wear wearing or how we look, we are mums! One size fits all.

The other accounts who joined in on this week are… http://www.mycopperfox.com

http://www.lauraslittlelove.wordPress.com
http://www.thepyjamamama.com
http://www.liliesandlife.wixsite.com/liliesandlife
http://www.mamascoffeediaries.com

Go have a little look at those if you fancy something better than me! lol
These are girls worth having a little read on.
Join in with the hash tag #mumfashionmonday if you would like. We will pick our favourites in February.

Sarah xxx

Love

Love….
Love the word is threw around all the time, “Bye..love you”
“AWH babe I LOVE your coat”
“hahaha..I just LOVE your jokes”
“I would just LOVE one of those”
Love is used as a throw away word these days…love is losing its meaning.
I feel love is also portrayed as a purely happy thing..”oh they are so in love” because they see a couple smiling and kissing ..but I want to take a moment to tell you what I feel real love truly is.
It’s hurting like you’ve never hurt before ..its suffering heart breaking loss together ….its sacrificing the things you hold dear for someone else. Its unselfish..its pure..its not for gain…its not magical and full of fairy tales its holding your partner when they are broken and lost..its having a massive row and then making them a cup of tea later. It’s telling them you hate them and to get lost! Its fighting over the dishwasher or who’s turn it is… Its giving him the last roastie of your plate because he loves them. Loving someone isn’t all rainbows and glitter, but when you do get those moments they make the hard bits worth it all. We like to have a wee niggle a day at each other…but when I cry he’s the first I want he is my cave..I want to be isolated in his arms. Being in love is all comprising…other times I don’t want to see him for the near future but when the dust settles that yearning starts. Being is love is something you grow in..you learn and gain more deeply how to love the longer you stick at it..if both play there part love is endless. We see so much of the word love but it seems so common for marriages to break up for people to leave and walk out…love is getting lost somewhere is it because we are not teaching the true meaning of love? People are walking into relationships expecting Disney films, then when its more a thriller they decided to leave..(I totally understand some relationships do have to break I understand that I’m just meaning relationships who have so much potential but people don’t want to put the work in. They want everything gave to them without the work) Loving the person wholly with all the flaws with all the worries and scars..giving yourself to them and them to you, learning to comprise for love. That’s when you know you creating something worth while. So have those arguments..scream and shout or give the cold shoulder..but above all love! The main reason I wrote this is because someone was shocked at me and my partner having a row and asked was everything ok with us….I just in that moment thought how many people start to worry about things like this or if they have got it wrong because of an argument. I just want to put it out there it is perfectly normal to argue and not like each other from time to time…it doesn’t mean you have lost your love. A good old row clears the air and sets you on a path you can both agree on!

Sarah xx

Ephesians 4:2-3: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

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