The FEAR

The FEAR..
Hello… This is only my 3rd blog but I really felt compelled to put this one out there. If you follow my account you will know I am a full of fun kinda girl who loves a good laugh but I have a deep core and inside.
People know I came from a very dark world of self doubt but I’ve never really spoke about why.
Today I’m not going to either but I will give you a little bit more of an insight of where I come from and why I fight so much for confidence in myself and giving it to others.
I was only 5 when my daddy was tragically killed at work, my mum was left with 3 off us under 5. Mum married again very quickly and we all moved on, moved on but noone was really who they where beforehand. Long story short I grew up feeling like I didn’t fit in… I was unworthy… I was unneeded… I wasn’t like everyone else who was I like? I had no identity. Self confidence was non existent. I didn’t even know what I liked, I would have just tried to feed of everyone else and what they liked. I remember being so complexed one day when I was only 12 or so someone asked me what my favourite colour was and I didn’t know. I went home thinking and thinking and I just didn’t know, I knew nothing about myself. I had never lived really I just survived, I felt like I was genuinely just floating in my body and learned social skills as I went. I learned how to be liked, how to fit in, and I would have did anything to be wanted or needed. So as you can tell I was lost… Those years carried on I missed out on so much because of the FEAR… The fear of what others thought of me, of others not wanting or liking me. { one of my big ones was, I loved music I know every riff in most songs and I feel them in my heart, I can sing..i always could but the fear wouldn’t let me. My dream was to be in a play at school and have a main part but I couldn’t do the audition, I was always an extra. Ps. Being a nun in the sound of music does nothing for you when you are 15 😂😳One day for GCSE music I preformed the song I had written for my father and my teacher said to me “Gosh Sarah, if I had of knew that you could sing like that I’d have had you in all the shows!” I was elated but completely gutted because I had missed my chance I was about to leave school and because of the FEAR I missed out on my dream}
Anyways…. Fast forward, I left technical collage fully educated for beauty therapy and I worked in it for a while, I loved it but the FEAR got me, your not pretty enough, your not one of them, noone will come to you because noone would want to look like you. I began to hate it. I formed lots of friendships easily but moved on easily too… I was tied to nothing as I said I was still floating, desperately looking for an anchor.
I left beauty behind and went to study health and social care and was awarded my deoloma at graduation! I was also diagnosed that year with dyslexia, and I had an alien feeling for a little minute that I was a tiny bit happy for myself. That soon left right enough.
However now I found my anchor… I had got saved about a year prior and gosh, didn’t things start to change. The lord reached into me in my deepest darkest moments. I mean I had no reason to want to live, I just was numb, the Lord breathed life into me. A reason a purpose and unconditional love. I remember smiling the biggest smile that night in my bed, awww Lord its just you and me now and I went to sleep knowing the Lord has me, I was now one of his I was his child.
My husband came along and he was a little lost himself and after long chats and long nights he came back to the lord and we never looked back. Jonathan became my home for the first time in my life I was experiencing gravity.
Gravity felt good… I went from zero to having God and a husband, now all that story is for another day, its a big one believe me.
Fast forward to 5 year’s later when someone once again asked me what is my favourite colour? I burst into tears… I walked away with my little bundle of everything Jonah now, and I looked into his little face and cried real sore tears that ran down his cheeks. How can I raise this wee bundle of perfection and guide him through life when I have no idea who I am? I had never dealt with that situation, I had healed and found gravity but there was still part of me floating. I had put all my identity into being a mum, wife, being good at my job, my faith but I never had acknowledged I still hadn’t found me. So I set on a journey to discover myself, after leaving my job to stay at home with our now 2 little bundles and pregnant with our 3 wee boy, I started to investigate my mind. I realised I was just a broken mess that I brushed up and pushed into a cupboard and noone would dare open those door’s. There was so much FEAR anger and hurt in there. However to find me I would have to go there… I went to counselling and wadded through waist deep, I uncovered so much I found out why I did certain things but it all came from the FEAR I was petrified constantly of not being loved.
At the same time I found art. Someone gave me a wee water colour set as they where throwing it out, I lifted that paint brush and something clicked. It was like God said there you go, let’s see what you can do. 3-4 years on i am here, with a little business and I’ve learned to finally accept I am an ARTIST (I wouldn’t call myself that or accept it for a long time)
I have to admit I could be doing alot more than I am.. I have had alot of offers of amazing things but because of the FEAR, I turned them down. I became tired being a warrior and I was letting FEAR take over again. Today was meant to be my first EXHIBITION but I had to pass it up because of the FEAR self doubt, I want to share this because people constantly say to me that I look so confident and happy. I am happy yes but confidence is easy to paint on, I am amazing at it. Just a wee pointer to those who look at a photo and think gosh she loves herself or she’s so confident remember you have no clue what is going on behind that girls smile no clue. I like to be honest because I know in a way that can help someone else feel more normal. However the FEAR is getting less and I am freer than I’ve ever been and have decided to actually place my work in a gallery or two. Then we will work up to the exhibition, I am doing this on nothing but pure faith in the Lord and his timing, I myself am not strong enough. Art was set into my hand and it has saved me, it lead me to friends to a place I feel familiar with and FEAR doesn’t really have a place. I feel free to run and guess what… I still don’t have a favourite colour and I am OK with that because I realised my favourite colour all along was all of them. I just didn’t know myself enough to know it. You don’t need to tick a box to fit in… Jigsaw pieces are all different shapes and rough around the edges, just find your jigsaw board that fits. I am fed up with trying to fit in and trying to be accepted. I have decided I am enough, I am blessed shocking amounts with my little bubble and I won’t let FEAR take anymore from me. I am battling till the end. When God stands before us who can stand against us? I love my life… And there will be much more of me in the art world this year if I can help it. FEAR has been greedy long enough. Time to embrace gravity and walk forward. If you feel the same I encourage you to reach out, look around and find something or someone that centre’s you.
Thankyou to anyone who supported me so far, you bought or liked a little bit of life back into me (the me that was trapped inside)
Thankyou

Sarah xx

Published by Wee Sadies Life

I am a dyslexic, self taught Artist, mummy finally finding her feet and sharing my thoughts and faith as I go.

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